1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,800
Well, come along then please.
Settle. That's it.

2
00:00:04,835 --> 00:00:06,245
Well, good evening to you.

3
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,960
Here we are again in the excitement
that is each other's company.

4
00:00:09,995 --> 00:00:12,360
The pleasure is all yours.

5
00:00:12,395 --> 00:00:14,365
Ha-ha! Good one, me.

6
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,085
Now, previously in my life,

7
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:19,000
Stevie made me go on an
Outward Bound Course.

8
00:00:19,035 --> 00:00:21,640
Help!

9
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,960
Someone let me out,
I don't like it!

10
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,960
Seriously, I really don't...!
Oh, thank you.

11
00:00:29,995 --> 00:00:32,960
I get my own kind
of adrenalin kicks, thank you.

12
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,240
MUTTERS EXCITEDLY

13
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,845
DRYER TURNS ON

14
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,605
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

15
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,280
What else happened?
Oh, yes, I went clubbing.

16
00:00:46,315 --> 00:00:47,885
Something I'm not prone to.

17
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,360
A night out for me is going
in to the garden, coming back,

18
00:00:51,395 --> 00:00:52,525
"Aaah! Home at last."

19
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:56,280
And I panic conversationally
when in too trendy an environment.

20
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,365
So, er...tell me
something about yourself.

21
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:06,920
The other day, I weighed my breasts
to see how much they'd cost to post.

22
00:01:06,955 --> 00:01:11,400
Too heavy to go second class,
if you know what I mean.

23
00:01:11,435 --> 00:01:14,017
Right. Onwards with the show,
team, quickly!

24
00:01:14,052 --> 00:01:16,600
So we can forget
what we've just witnessed.

25
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,760
So, pleased with it? It's great,
Gary, thanks for your help.

26
00:01:29,795 --> 00:01:32,725
MUTTERED: "Oh, Gary,
thanks for your help."

27
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,240
I've no idea what it does
or how I make it do what it does,

28
00:01:36,275 --> 00:01:37,565
but it looks cool.

29
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:42,200
It's easy. I'll teach you. It's great cos you
can sync all applications with other hardware...

30
00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:45,560
All I'm hearing is...
SPEAKS GIBBERISH

31
00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,520
MIMICS AWKWARD LAUGHTER

32
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,565
So, do you want a cup of tea, Gary?
Yeah, great.

33
00:01:55,600 --> 00:02:00,360
Stevie, what are you doing
on the floor, you weird woman?

34
00:02:00,395 --> 00:02:01,965
Sorry, what's that?

35
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:06,160
You'd like to make me and Gary
a cup of tea? That's so sweet.

36
00:02:06,195 --> 00:02:08,005
Fine. Just don't play with the toys.

37
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,565
They're part of the new
children's range.

38
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,760
I really want to play with the toys.
Do you really want to?

39
00:02:13,795 --> 00:02:16,920
I really want to play with the toys!
We can't, we're open.

40
00:02:16,955 --> 00:02:18,840
So? Caterpillar Duck race, hello?

41
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,720
On your marks, get set, go!

42
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,600
I think you'll find I have
chosen the superior animal.

43
00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:34,040
This one's got no turning circle,
that's why!

44
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,200
Quack, quack, quack!

45
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,165
Oh, those are lovely!

46
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,720
My children would love them.

47
00:02:46,755 --> 00:02:49,205
How old are yours? Sorry?

48
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,685
Well, I hope they're for your kids.

49
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,960
Yeah, be weird if
we were just playing.

50
00:02:54,995 --> 00:02:57,057
Very, yes, so, we've...

51
00:02:57,092 --> 00:02:58,746
Got kids...got kids.

52
00:02:58,781 --> 00:03:00,365
What do you have?

53
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,240
Two... Little... Boys.

54
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,740
Had... Two...

55
00:03:06,775 --> 00:03:08,685
Little... Toys.

56
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,085
Aaah, we always do that!

57
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,640
Two boys. Lovely. But exhausting!

58
00:03:15,675 --> 00:03:19,160
Oh, shattered. Yes, you look it.

59
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,605
Ooh, these would be
perfect party gifts. Are you local?

60
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:31,360
Maybe yours are going to the same birthday.
What are they called? Uh, Cliff... Richard.

61
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:38,800
Cliff and Richard.

62
00:03:38,835 --> 00:03:41,245
We're massive fans.

63
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,560
I'm Mandy. M-M-Mary, and this is...

64
00:03:44,595 --> 00:03:46,200
Joseph.

65
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,040
No way!

66
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,120
Well, I will look out for your boys.
What's your surname?

67
00:03:56,155 --> 00:04:00,600
Oh...erm...Ri... Rich...

68
00:04:00,635 --> 00:04:02,205
..ards... Richards.

69
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:06,000
Right. So your sons
are Cliff Richards and...?

70
00:04:06,035 --> 00:04:07,605
And Richard Richards. Yeah.

71
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:13,760
We just thought, life isn't fair,
let's teach them that from the off.

72
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:15,680
Isn't it just
that we're massive fans?

73
00:04:15,715 --> 00:04:17,165
That's it, yeah.

74
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,840

on a summer holiday.

75
00:04:20,875 --> 00:04:25,017

Mistletoe and wine

76
00:04:25,052 --> 00:04:29,160

Christian rhymes

77
00:04:29,195 --> 00:04:31,200

Etcetera.

78
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,485
Well, lovely to meet you.

79
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,520
Nice to talk to adults otherwise
it's just kids, kids, kids.

80
00:04:40,555 --> 00:04:42,765
BOTH: Oh, isn't it?

81
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,445
Oh, for a night out! Ooh, a holiday!

82
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,725
I could do so much more
before I had children.

83
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:55,480
I sometimes think, "Mandy, how do have enough time
to bring up the kids and run your own business?"

84
00:04:55,515 --> 00:05:00,965
You're a saint. Well, yes, in a way.

85
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,325
But children are worth it,
aren't they, Mary?

86
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,200
I always say, until
you've brought the gift of life,

87
00:05:06,235 --> 00:05:07,360
you're not complete.

88
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,720
"I'm a saint.
I've just given birth.

89
00:05:12,755 --> 00:05:15,657
"I don't even
have enough time to eat!

90
00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:18,560
"My ovaries work and
I'm so very excited!"

91
00:05:18,595 --> 00:05:21,880
Not very annoying, ovary annoying!

92
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,080
Gary, not very annoying,
ovary annoying!

93
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:36,200
Oi, not very annoying,
ovary annoying!

94
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,160
Nothing here, either.

95
00:05:40,195 --> 00:05:41,480
Rude.

96
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,380
My point is, I'm young, I'm free.

97
00:05:45,415 --> 00:05:48,085
Single. Yes, happily so, mother.

98
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,645
I can do anything.
I can go reckless, wild.

99
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,360
You've never been wild.
OK. So I'm not a clubber.

100
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:55,257
I don't "large it, big style."

101
00:05:55,292 --> 00:05:58,186
Not unless you're in McDonalds.

102
00:05:58,221 --> 00:06:01,080
Oh, ha-ha! That's very good!

103
00:06:01,115 --> 00:06:02,605
Such fun!

104
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,005
It has to be said,
Miranda, you're not cool.

105
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:08,580
Oh, hello, cool new phone,
which I've worked out myself,

106
00:06:08,615 --> 00:06:12,085
plays music, and so is in effect
a kind of ghetto blaster.

107
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,640
And what are you listening to at the
moment? Let's have a go, shall we?

108
00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:17,680
MUSIC: "My Life"
By BILLY JOEL

109
00:06:17,715 --> 00:06:19,000
Billy Joel? Yeah.

110
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:27,040
You'll be up before you know.
You'll all be dancing soon.

111
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,245
You'll love it.

112
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:36,560

We used to be real close...

113
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,765
You'll be feeling it any minute.

114
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,880
Down low, up high!
Down low, up really high!

115
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,765
OK, fine. You've made your point.

116
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:01,880
I'm not cool, but I just want
some fun, crazy times, you know?

117
00:07:01,915 --> 00:07:06,840
I'm going to start
by getting really drunk.

118
00:07:06,875 --> 00:07:08,565
ALL: No!

119
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:13,600
What? You get regal and angry
when you're drunk. Oh, I do not!

120
00:07:13,635 --> 00:07:15,285
Have you had wild times, Penny?

121
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,720
Oh, ho-ho! Don't you know it!
I've had...

122
00:07:18,755 --> 00:07:20,645
ALL: Such fun.

123
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,125
There was a spa in Malta in the '60s.

124
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:28,120
Oh, no. Let's just say,
clothes weren't an option, so...

125
00:07:28,155 --> 00:07:32,160
BLENDER DROWNS SPEECH

126
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,560
..Nigel Havers, twice.

127
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,045
Unacceptable.

128
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,205
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

129
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,405
I'm just going to
take off for a few days.

130
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:52,880
I'm going to pack a back-pack,
grab a flight to...Thailand!

131
00:07:52,915 --> 00:07:54,445
For a few days?

132
00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,005
Wild! Yeah, that's it!

133
00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,280
Well, I'm just off to
book my spontaneous trip

134
00:08:00,315 --> 00:08:02,520
because I am one cool, hip chick.

135
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,925
Obviously I'm not going on a
spontaneous crazy trip.

136
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:18,840
I'm no good at travel and even if I
did get to an exotic beach location,

137
00:08:18,875 --> 00:08:20,525
not relaxing. Beaches?

138
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:23,400
Try and put a towel down,
immediate gust of wind,

139
00:08:23,435 --> 00:08:24,605
towel in face.

140
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,485
Tuck towel into sand.

141
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,205
Sit down, have an ice lolly, wasp!

142
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,645
Wasp!
Stand up to bat wasp away, oh no!

143
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:38,840
Sand on towel now, flap towel to get rid of sand,
sand in face, sand on lolly, wasp, abort, abort!

144
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:52,080
Right, holiday search.
Hotel, England, Surrey.

145
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,165
It's too expensive,
it's a bit far...

146
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,080
Oh, hang on, brilliant!
The Hamilton Lodge.

147
00:08:59,115 --> 00:09:02,480
I know where that is. La bas.

148
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:10,000
Round the corner, no travel,
no language barrier, book.

149
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:16,760
And there's no reason to say
I'm not going to Thailand. Sssh!

150
00:09:16,795 --> 00:09:18,525
Morning. Morning.

151
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:22,605

Like the first morning

152
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:27,720

Ski-mah-nah-nee.

153
00:09:27,755 --> 00:09:30,445
How are you? Good.

154
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:34,760
When are you off?
In about 20 minutes, to Thailand.

155
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,765
Will you be all right
for a few days?

156
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,080
I'm doing a management course
on Friday but your mum's covering.

157
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:44,725
Morning.
Morning. Morning.

158
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,960
I made you a packed lunch
for the flight.

159
00:09:46,995 --> 00:09:48,605
Oh, that's lovely! Thank you.

160
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:52,560
Darling, I won't go as far as proud,
but I am genuinely impressed.

161
00:09:52,595 --> 00:09:55,365
You are actually going,
what I call, abroad.

162
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,240
It is abroad. Now, remember,
if a man drives up to you

163
00:09:58,275 --> 00:10:00,560
saying he's a taxi, get in.

164
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,960
You never know.

165
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,600
Right, Well, I've got a cab booked
to the airport so don't hang around.

166
00:10:08,635 --> 00:10:11,320
OK. Bye then. I could
have taken you to the airport.

167
00:10:11,355 --> 00:10:12,525
No, don't worry about it.

168
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:17,480
I would've given you a lift. My car's outside.
You should've asked. Save the money I'll take you.

169
00:10:17,515 --> 00:10:20,445
My car's just outside. Seriously.
Cancel the taxi, go with Gary.

170
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:24,560
I don't want to go the airport with
any of you. The idea is disgusting.

171
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,520
Somebody order a cab to The Ha...?

172
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,485
To the, um...

173
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,205
the ha...airport, yes.

174
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,800
Best job I've had in a while!

175
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,365
Right, I need to leave immediately,

176
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,480
because I don't know
what's going to happen next.

177
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,440
And this is your room. Oh, lovely.

178
00:10:57,475 --> 00:11:01,285
Look, Thailand!

179
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:05,000
Yeah, and you have to stay in
this dive, wishing you were there.

180
00:11:05,035 --> 00:11:06,125
Like a form of torture.

181
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:10,320
Or you can look at it, imagine you're
there, without the hassle of going.

182
00:11:10,355 --> 00:11:13,677
You like that idea, don't you?

183
00:11:13,712 --> 00:11:17,000
Right. Fridge, bathroom, bed...

184
00:11:17,035 --> 00:11:19,760
Ooh, we've only just met!

185
00:11:19,795 --> 00:11:21,200
Just a little joke.

186
00:11:21,235 --> 00:11:22,600
Thank you.

187
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,960
Always a bit nervous around youth.

188
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,685
I love a hotel room!

189
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,560
Don't you love a hotel room?

190
00:11:31,595 --> 00:11:33,520
I love a hotel room!

191
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,005
You know clean sheet night at home,

192
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,200
when it feels like
a delicious new bed?

193
00:11:41,235 --> 00:11:43,165
Every night in a hotel.

194
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,840
And sometimes the sheets feel
a bit crisp and cold, don't they?

195
00:11:46,875 --> 00:11:48,800
So you do the warming-up-bed dance.

196
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,280
Forgot to say,
breakfast from seven till ten.

197
00:11:59,315 --> 00:12:01,405
Great, thanks.

198
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,960
And that bed is... Yep, it's fine.

199
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,560
Oh, this is always funny
in a hotel room, isn't it?

200
00:12:11,595 --> 00:12:14,725
"Where's my head gone?

201
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,640
"I used to be like a swan."

202
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,880
Are you from an institution,
or are you...?

203
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,720
No, but I hear you.

204
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,605
Right.

205
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,845
Ooh, tea and coffee tray.

206
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:37,520
Nowhere else but in a hotel room
is one so excited

207
00:12:37,555 --> 00:12:40,160
to see free tea and coffee sachets.

208
00:12:40,195 --> 00:12:42,685
Good word, "sachet".

209
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,560
As I sashay up to the sachet.

210
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,680
I am very over-excited!

211
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,845
Biscuits!

212
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,960
The key with the biscuits,
of course, if you don't eat them

213
00:12:55,995 --> 00:12:59,040
on day one, hide them so you
get the free packet the next.

214
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,485
Little kettle.

215
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:08,720
You never have a kettle in your
room at home. That would be weird.

216
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:12,920
But in a hotel, out of bed,
pop the kettle on, one smooth move.

217
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,165
It's been 26 hours.

218
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,180
I've done everything. All the films.

219
00:13:22,215 --> 00:13:25,160
Well, not all the films, naughty!

220
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,925
I've had six baths,
most room service meals.

221
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:35,120
It's like all the best bits
of being ill, but you're well.

222
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,245
Oh, hang on.

223
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,925
How have I missed this?

224
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,120
Trouser press! I love these.

225
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,077
Brilliant.

226
00:13:45,112 --> 00:13:47,000
Pop it in.

227
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,565
Exciting. "I'm a trouser press.

228
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,160
"Open me up,
insert something inside."

229
00:13:55,195 --> 00:13:56,440
That sounds wrong.

230
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,805
Brilliant.

231
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:06,960
Right, I might have to sneak home
and get the rest of my trousers

232
00:14:06,995 --> 00:14:09,720
and make proper and efficient
use of that.

233
00:14:09,755 --> 00:14:11,440
Can I do that?

234
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,440
Yes.

235
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,320
TOY SQUEAKS

236
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,560
AARGH!

237
00:14:36,595 --> 00:14:37,920
Sssh!

238
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,480
AARGH!

239
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:45,180
How is this worse than that?

240
00:14:45,215 --> 00:14:47,885
What are you doing here?

241
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,440
I just nipped back from Thailand
to get some more trousers.

242
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:57,340
I'm staying at the Hamilton Lodge.
Don't tell the others.

243
00:14:57,375 --> 00:15:01,765
You have gone on holiday to
the town you live in? Sssh!

244
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:06,040
What are you doing here? Stevie's
teaching me the ropes for Friday.

245
00:15:06,075 --> 00:15:10,280
I'm exhausted. I was taking a break,
Is everything all right, Penny?

246
00:15:10,315 --> 00:15:13,480
We've got our next
till drill in five minutes.

247
00:15:13,515 --> 00:15:15,000
Hide!

248
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,125
She's not coming up.

249
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,040
What are you doing?
I'm trying to get in a drawer.

250
00:15:26,075 --> 00:15:27,440
I panicked!

251
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,805
All my trousers.

252
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,660
Really have done everything now.

253
00:15:34,695 --> 00:15:37,480
KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, room service!

254
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,885
Oh, great. Thanks, Jason.

255
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,320
Just drop it there. We've done
pretty well, haven't we, Jason?

256
00:15:45,355 --> 00:15:47,457
With the whole room service issue.

257
00:15:47,492 --> 00:15:49,546
Cos it can feel awkward, can't it?

258
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:51,565
Somebody coming in to deliver a meal

259
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,085
that you don't know,
when you're in pyjamas.

260
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:58,680
I mean, Imagine if I turned up at your house and
walked into your bedroom with a plate of food?

261
00:15:58,715 --> 00:16:01,365
Please don't do that.
No, no, I won't!

262
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:05,320
I was just saying it's a sort of
weirdly intimate scenario, isn't it?

263
00:16:05,355 --> 00:16:08,000
I was a bit worried that
the room might smell.

264
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:10,377
But I'm told that my natural smell -

265
00:16:10,412 --> 00:16:12,946
because we've all got them -
is lemons.

266
00:16:12,981 --> 00:16:15,480
So...
I don't know what your smell is.

267
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,520
Boyish, yet manly!

268
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,645
There's a chance
I've got verbal diarrhoea

269
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:31,485
because I've been on my own
for a while. So, um...

270
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,920
In fact, do you want to join? It
would be nice to have some company.

271
00:16:34,955 --> 00:16:36,800
Is that why you ordered two meals?

272
00:16:36,835 --> 00:16:41,720
Hmm? Oh, yes, yeah. (No!)

273
00:16:41,755 --> 00:16:43,165
I'm working.

274
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,680
But the company thing is something
I could arrange, if you like?

275
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:48,997
Really? This hotel is amazing. OK.

276
00:16:49,032 --> 00:16:51,280
For the evening or the whole night?

277
00:16:51,315 --> 00:16:52,765
Oh, um...

278
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,480
The whole night. Why not?
I've missed a good chat.

279
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,560
OK, I'll sort that for you.

280
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,885
A shoe shiner! Brilliant.

281
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,840
I can't believe
I missed this before!

282
00:17:07,875 --> 00:17:09,800
GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY

283
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,120
Madame requested an escort?

284
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:25,965
You're an escort?

285
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,245
You're not in Thailand?

286
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:31,125
Coming back at you with,
"You're an escort?!"

287
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:36,040
Coming back at you with you ordered an
escort! I did not! I ordered company... Oh!

288
00:17:36,075 --> 00:17:38,765
That's just code!

289
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,125
Well, seeing as we're here,

290
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:45,120
we might as well
make good sweet love.

291
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,320
Clive! I'm not gonna sleep with you!

292
00:17:49,355 --> 00:17:51,400
Don't be shy. I've had weirder.

293
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:57,285
Rude! And no!

294
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:01,080
And can you please put your trousers
on? Because it's one of those

295
00:18:01,115 --> 00:18:06,280
I don't want to look but I just
can't stop looking...things.

296
00:18:06,315 --> 00:18:09,360
Actually, can you just
leave immediately, please?

297
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:16,080
And, Clive, don't tell any of the
others I'm not in Thailand. OK?

298
00:18:16,115 --> 00:18:18,045
Bye!

299
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:21,280
Right, time to brave the restaurant.

300
00:18:21,315 --> 00:18:22,765
Hence the business suit.

301
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,540
Pad and pen,
people will think I'm working.

302
00:18:25,575 --> 00:18:28,245
No-one will think,
"Sad, lonely diner."

303
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:32,040
It's a brilliant system,
one I am very pleased with.

304
00:18:32,075 --> 00:18:34,280
To dine.

305
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,040
Amanda?

306
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,360
Amanda? Did you say my name?

307
00:18:40,395 --> 00:18:42,085
Ah, yes. Hi there.

308
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,765
Here's your badge. Right.

309
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,685
It's a real privilege to meet you.

310
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:50,080
Is it? Lovely.
Do you want to join us for a drink?

311
00:18:50,115 --> 00:18:53,480
Oh, OK. Why not? Great.

312
00:18:53,515 --> 00:18:55,480
What's happening?

313
00:18:55,515 --> 00:18:58,365
Shall we?

314
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,160
We're all really looking
forward to the seminar.

315
00:19:01,195 --> 00:19:02,645
Oh, a seminar, is it?

316
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,200
Well, I hope so. It would be
tragic if this was a holiday!

317
00:19:06,235 --> 00:19:09,840
I mean, look at us!
Yeah, that would be tragic!

318
00:19:09,875 --> 00:19:12,397
Everybody, this is Amanda Barnes.

319
00:19:12,432 --> 00:19:14,920
ALL: Hello, Amanda!
Oh, "Amanda"!

320
00:19:14,955 --> 00:19:17,245
It's a real honour. Is it?

321
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:22,160
Excuse me, Sir. We've had a message on reception
from an Amanda Barnes. She's running late.

322
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:25,440
Well, that is an old message,
isn't it, because she's here.

323
00:19:25,475 --> 00:19:27,165
Dear, oh, dear.

324
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,920
So, Amanda. That's me.
How was the trip from Yorkshire?

325
00:19:31,955 --> 00:19:35,405
YORKSHIRE ACCENT:
Oh, aye, t'were great.

326
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:40,640
I thought you were just there on business.
No, turns out I'm from...thu-u-ur.

327
00:19:40,675 --> 00:19:45,000
The minute I hear Yorkshire, the
accent just comes flooding back.

328
00:19:45,035 --> 00:19:48,400
Whereabouts are you from?
Just the general area.

329
00:19:48,435 --> 00:19:49,965
Nowhere specific.

330
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,600
Don't want to give you my address.

331
00:19:52,635 --> 00:19:55,360
Oh, yes. Risky!

332
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,005
So, drink?

333
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,325
Oh, I think Amanda
would like a gin and tonic.

334
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,440
And I think Colin would
like to get that for Amanda.

335
00:20:04,475 --> 00:20:08,120
Fine. Let's get this
party started, shall we?

336
00:20:08,155 --> 00:20:09,920
Amanda's up for some good times.

337
00:20:09,955 --> 00:20:12,960
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

338
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,740
DRUNKEN SINGING
Does anyone need the loo?

339
00:20:18,775 --> 00:20:21,240
Throne's through there.
We are very amused.

340
00:20:21,275 --> 00:20:25,080
POP MUSIC PLAYS
I love Amanda Barnes.

341
00:20:25,115 --> 00:20:27,365
Look at her go.

342
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,920
New phone? Lovely!
These ones have great features.

343
00:20:30,955 --> 00:20:34,440
Are you still talking about
the phone, Colin, eh?

344
00:20:34,475 --> 00:20:38,005
Oh, Amanda's naughty.

345
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:40,400
And slightly like a camp man.

346
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:46,880
Oh, sorry,
I think I'm calling someone. Hello?

347
00:20:46,915 --> 00:20:50,165
Hello? Miranda? Gary, hey!

348
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,280
Hey! How you doing? How's Thailand?

349
00:20:52,315 --> 00:20:54,605
Yeah, it's great, Gary.

350
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,960
I'm like a new woman. Literally.

351
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,280
I've just...I've just sent you
a photo of me new mates.

352
00:21:02,315 --> 00:21:04,405
Why are you wearing a business suit?

353
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,800
Oh, well, when in Thailand, Gary...
What?

354
00:21:07,835 --> 00:21:10,017
..go to a seminar.

355
00:21:10,052 --> 00:21:11,946
Are you drunk?

356
00:21:11,981 --> 00:21:13,840
Me? Drunk?

357
00:21:13,875 --> 00:21:15,525
No!

358
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,485
In fact, I better go, Gary,

359
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:21,560
because Colin's having
an arm wrestle with Tsing-Tao.

360
00:21:21,595 --> 00:21:23,680
Tsing-Tao!

361
00:21:23,715 --> 00:21:25,845
Bye!

362
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,085
He taught me how to
take a photo,

363
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,840
but I can't switch
the bloody thing off.

364
00:21:30,875 --> 00:21:31,920
I don't know.

365
00:21:31,955 --> 00:21:34,125
Miranda?

366
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,800
You've sent me another photo.

367
00:21:36,835 --> 00:21:38,800
KNOCK ON DOOR

368
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,165
Gary!

369
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:51,805
Hey, welcome to Thailand!

370
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:55,600
To the Hamilton Lodge. The photo you
sent me was the view from your window.

371
00:21:55,635 --> 00:21:57,040
You're down the road. Sssh!

372
00:21:57,075 --> 00:21:59,965
Nobody else knows, OK?

373
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,040
Promise not to tell anyone.

374
00:22:02,075 --> 00:22:03,880
Yeah. I promise. Sssh!

375
00:22:03,915 --> 00:22:05,565
Oh, ho-ho!

376
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,160
I see you have company, eh?

377
00:22:08,195 --> 00:22:10,720
Hello, you must be Tsing-Tao?

378
00:22:10,755 --> 00:22:12,645
Yeah, if you like!

379
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,400
We'll leave you to it.
Come on guys, out.

380
00:22:15,435 --> 00:22:17,597
All right, then. Night, guys.

381
00:22:17,632 --> 00:22:19,760
Come on. Back to yours, Phil.

382
00:22:19,795 --> 00:22:21,685
Back to yours. Yeah.

383
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:27,680
A demain. Which I always think
sounds a bit like Adam Ant.

384
00:22:27,715 --> 00:22:31,725

There's nothing to be scared of.

385
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:35,000
Yeah. I think I'm just gonna get
you a glass of water, Miranda.

386
00:22:35,035 --> 00:22:37,277
Oh, you're such a good friend.

387
00:22:37,312 --> 00:22:39,696
Gary, have you seen these?

388
00:22:39,731 --> 00:22:42,080
These are brilliant! Gary.

389
00:22:42,115 --> 00:22:44,525
GARY!

390
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,205
Come and look at these!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

391
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,640
I think you should take
your trousers off first!

392
00:22:49,675 --> 00:22:52,120
I beg your pardon?

393
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,845
That is very rude to Your Majesty.

394
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,840
Oh, God.
What would Prince Philip say?

395
00:23:00,875 --> 00:23:04,520
Something racist, probably.

396
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,440
Look, why don't you come and
have a sit down on the bed?

397
00:23:08,475 --> 00:23:12,320
Such a good friend,
Gary, aren't you? Yes, yeah.

398
00:23:12,355 --> 00:23:15,160
I'm not northern anymore.

399
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,360
Such good friends and that's all,
isn't it, Gary?

400
00:23:22,395 --> 00:23:27,525
I don't think of you
in a sexual way at all.

401
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:33,000
I mean, you know, you could stay here tonight and
it wouldn't mean anything, cos we're just friends.

402
00:23:33,035 --> 00:23:37,840
In fact, Gary,
to prove the ease of our friendship,

403
00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:40,640
let's just sleep together. Yeah?

404
00:23:40,675 --> 00:23:43,520
Do a bit of the sex.

405
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,400
Gary, cold bed dance.

406
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:56,640
I just wanted to make sure you were all
right, Miranda. Gary, do a bit of the sex!

407
00:23:56,675 --> 00:23:59,440
Miranda! What are you doing?!
Well, we might as well!

408
00:23:59,475 --> 00:24:01,480
What are you doing? Gary, come on!

409
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,720
SNORING

410
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:08,680
Brilliant.

411
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:26,760
Oh, no.

412
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,845
AAARGGH!

413
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:34,400
Oh...oh...oh, no... Coffee.

414
00:24:34,435 --> 00:24:36,120
Coffee sachets.

415
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,205
Morning, Amanda!

416
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:48,165
Come on, you're going the wrong way.
We're in here.

417
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:52,045
Well, welcome everybody. I hope
you've all received your agendas.

418
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:57,480
As you can see, the course is split
into morning and afternoon sessions.

419
00:24:57,515 --> 00:25:01,080
And then sandwiched in the middle
are the sandwiches!

420
00:25:01,115 --> 00:25:02,885
LAUGHTER

421
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,325
OK, settle down.

422
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:09,120
OK, let's start by welcoming
our course leader, Amanda Barnes.

423
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,165
Right.

424
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,560
This is a turn up.

425
00:25:20,595 --> 00:25:22,125
Hello.

426
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:25,280
I met most of you last night..

427
00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:27,005
And, you are...

428
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,260
Stevie, does that say? Yes.

429
00:25:30,295 --> 00:25:33,445
Hello. I'm Amanda Barnes,

430
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:37,725
from the general Yorkshire area.

431
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:41,080
So, it turns out,
I'm your course leader.

432
00:25:41,115 --> 00:25:44,285
And the course is about, erm...

433
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:49,680
Ah! Local Business in the Global
Marketplace. That's gonna go.

434
00:25:49,715 --> 00:25:55,960
Right, OK. Let's imagine
that this is the local business

435
00:25:55,995 --> 00:25:58,840
and this the global market place.

436
00:25:58,875 --> 00:26:00,760
You've got yourself a willy.

437
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,765
Cross the willy out.

438
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:09,920
So, you don't need me to tell
you about the global marketplace.

439
00:26:09,955 --> 00:26:11,805
Oh, at a 100 quid for the day,

440
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,400
I think we want to hear it from you,
Amanda Barnes.

441
00:26:15,435 --> 00:26:17,925
Right, global marketplace.

442
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,480
What I like to do on a
day like this is poo...

443
00:26:21,515 --> 00:26:25,000
pool - that's a tricky word -
pool our wisdom.

444
00:26:25,035 --> 00:26:28,005
So I think we should hear from...

445
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:31,640
Would you like to share
some of your ideas?

446
00:26:31,675 --> 00:26:33,577
Not really, no.

447
00:26:33,612 --> 00:26:35,480
Are you sure?

448
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,760
Come on. She has some fab ideas.
I do, actually. It's true. I do.

449
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:47,160
Thank you, Amanda.
Thank you for this opportunity.

450
00:26:47,195 --> 00:26:48,920
(Don't tell anyone I'm here.)

451
00:26:48,955 --> 00:26:50,445
Good morning, people.

452
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:56,240
My name is Stevie Sutton and I manage
a local business which I see as big.

453
00:26:56,275 --> 00:26:58,245
Big dreams, big ideas.

454
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,285
The only time we think small
is Heather Small.

455
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:05,000

to make you feel proud?

456
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,365
Now, back to the business at hand...
Excuse me!

457
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:15,300
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Excuse me, could you sit down, please.

458
00:27:15,335 --> 00:27:19,200
I've been asked to do a speech. It
should be my speech. I'm Amanda Barnes.

459
00:27:19,235 --> 00:27:20,657
Would you leave, please?

460
00:27:20,692 --> 00:27:22,045
I'm not leaving MY course!

461
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,405
I don't know who you think
you are... Amanda Barnes.

462
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:29,320
She's not Amanda Barnes. No,
she's not Amanda Barnes, but she is.

463
00:27:29,355 --> 00:27:30,845
No, I'm Amanda Barnes.

464
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,800
Then who's she?
She's Mary Richards. Hi.

465
00:27:33,835 --> 00:27:35,485
She's not Mary Richards.

466
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:38,280
And you're not Amanda Barnes.
I never said I was!

467
00:27:38,315 --> 00:27:40,197
Who are you? Stevie Sutton!

468
00:27:40,232 --> 00:27:42,080
And you are? Amanda Barnes.

469
00:27:42,115 --> 00:27:44,365
Well, then who...?

470
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,205
I'll explain everything.

471
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:49,520
Just one quick question,
before I do.

472
00:27:49,555 --> 00:27:52,040
Are we on the ground floor?

473
00:27:52,075 --> 00:27:53,360
Yes.

474
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,400
THUMP!

475
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,200
Hi! Hi, Miranda!

476
00:28:01,235 --> 00:28:03,885
How was the flight?

477
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:06,320
Oh, you must be exhausted.

478
00:28:06,355 --> 00:28:08,685
Jet lag with only four days...

479
00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:10,965
Thanks for that photo.
Gorgeous beach!

480
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,080
Yes. She looks like
she's got the sun a bit.

481
00:28:13,115 --> 00:28:15,157
Can I just stop you? You all know.

482
00:28:15,192 --> 00:28:17,536
What? What? They know as well?

483
00:28:17,571 --> 00:28:19,845
Wild times? Well, eat your words.

484
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:25,400
Because what's not wild about getting drunk,
ordering an escort, breaking into the shop,

485
00:28:25,435 --> 00:28:29,160
making new friends, running a
seminar and diving out of a window?

486
00:28:29,195 --> 00:28:32,680
Officially, a little bit crazy.

487
00:28:32,715 --> 00:28:34,325
No, not Billy Joel. Yeah!

488
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:36,400
You'll all be up, it's a classic.

489
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:41,965


490
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:45,565

in her uptown world

491
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:49,360

had a backstreet guy...

492
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,120
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

493
00:28:57,155 --> 00:29:00,160
Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk